Finding Forgiveness: Starting the Journey Beyond Parental Absence and Regret

Forgiving a parent’s absence is one of the most difficult emotional challenges a person can face. For many, forgiveness feels like a distant goal, especially when the wounds run deep or when the chance to reconcile has passed. Marlon’s story brings this struggle into sharp focus. He found forgiveness not in the years of silence or anger but at the moment he was burying his father. As he placed soil on his dad’s coffin, the act spoke louder than any words ever could. It marked the end of a sad chapter and the beginning of a new journey toward healing and respect.

This blog explores where and when forgiveness begins, especially when parents are absent, ill, or aging. It offers insights into the complex emotions involved and practical ways to start forgiving, even when it feels too late.

Marlon placing soil on his father's coffin, marking the start of forgiveness

Understanding Forgiveness When Parents Are Absent

Forgiveness is often misunderstood as forgetting or excusing hurtful actions. In the case of parental absence, it means releasing the heavy burden of anger, resentment, or pain that can weigh down a person’s heart. Absence can take many forms: physical distance, emotional neglect, or even death without reconciliation.

Marlon’s experience shows that forgiveness can come late, but it still matters. His act of placing soil on his father’s coffin was a physical way to say goodbye to bitterness and start anew. This moment was not just about burying his dad but also about burying the pain that had lingered for years.

Why Forgiveness Feels Impossible

• Unanswered questions: When parents are absent, children often carry unanswered questions about why and how things went wrong.

• Unhealed wounds: Emotional neglect or abandonment can leave deep scars that make forgiveness feel like a betrayal of one’s own pain.

• Timing: Forgiveness often feels like it must happen before a parent’s death or illness, but that is not always possible.

  
  
  
  

When Does Forgiveness Begin?

Many people wonder when the right time to forgive is. Some forgive while their parents are still alive, especially if illness or old age brings a sense of urgency. Others, like Marlon, find forgiveness only after loss.

Forgiving While Parents Are Ill or Aging

When parents become ill or age, some children find it easier to forgive. The vulnerability of a parent facing mortality can open the door to empathy and understanding. It may also create opportunities for conversations that were never possible before.

• Recognizing shared humanity: Seeing a parent’s frailty can remind us that they are human, with their own fears and regrets.

• Creating moments of connection: Even small acts of kindness or conversation can begin to heal old wounds.

• Accepting imperfection: Forgiveness often starts when we accept that no parent is perfect and that their absence may have been shaped by their own struggles.

  
  

Forgiving After Loss

Marlon’s story is a powerful example of forgiveness after loss. It shows that forgiveness is not limited by time or circumstance. The moment he placed soil on his father’s coffin was a symbolic act of letting go.

• Physical acts can express forgiveness: Sometimes words are not enough or not possible. Actions like Marlon’s can carry deep meaning.

• Forgiveness is a process, not an event: The act of forgiveness may begin at a funeral but continues inwardly over time.

• Starting over is possible: Forgiveness opens the door to new beginnings, even if the past cannot be changed.

  
  

Practical Steps to Start Forgiving

Forgiving a parent’s absence is deeply personal, but there are practical steps that can help start the journey:

• Acknowledge your feelings: Allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, or confusion without judgment.

• Write a letter: Even if you never send it, writing a letter to your parent can help express emotions and clarify your thoughts.

• Seek support: Talking to a trusted friend, counselor, or support group can provide perspective and comfort.

• Create a ritual: Like Marlon’s act of placing soil, a personal ritual can symbolize forgiveness and closure.

• Focus on self-care: Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from pain, so prioritize your emotional and physical well-being.

  
  

Moving Forward After Forgiveness

Forgiveness does not erase the past but changes how we carry it. It allows us to:

• Release emotional burdens that prevent happiness.

• Build healthier relationships with others, free from the shadows of old pain.

• Find peace within ourselves, even when the parent-child relationship was difficult or incomplete.

  
  

Marlon’s story reminds us that forgiveness can come at any time. It may start with a simple act, like placing soil on a coffin, but it leads to a deeper healing that lasts a lifetime.